Right Here, Right Now

I am so busy trying to get better, to get to where I want to be in business and financially, that I have forgotten who I am, what I am, who I help and what I have been in the past. To except all parts-even the ones I don’t like. To work on the strengths and the bits I like and accept the bits I don’t. If I can, and want to improve on these bits I can. If it’s going to take my focus and time off the good bits getting better, I just accept the bits I don’t like, press pause and then press play again.

Somewhere along the road, I forgot to stop, turn around and look back. To reflect on all that’s happened, all the events and memories and take a look at my road. The twists and turns, the path that has led me here sitting in the middle of my house on my black bar table and bench seat I love, dog asleep in front of the heater, music on – for a change, writing this to you, and to me. To be thankful for it all, grateful for all the lessons, the ups, the downs and the in betweens – the ‘meh’ and the ‘blahs’. For if we won’t accept, appreciate, be grateful and thankful for who and what we are now, where we are, how we have come to be here, why we are here, what our purpose is AND what we have right now, we will not be able to have anymore. Whoa… that’s deep man!

Last night I was confused. I was riding to hockey training with my mate and she said. ‘ Hi hunny, how are you?’ Now I have a choice, instead of saying good thanks, how are you? I thought about that question for a second and said, “You know what? I’m not sure, I mean I’m not amazing not shit, but also not good not bad just middle what ever that is’. I feel weird, I have been trying to figure it out since last Friday!’

I have reflected back and tried to think what the trigger was. Was there something I was confused about? Was there something I was missing, something that had happened to make me feel this way? It was like rewinding those tapes back when I was young and trying to find the real lyrics. But even back then, what I thought were the lyrics weren’t the actual lyrics when CD’s came out and took all the fun out of my game, they PRINTED the real lyrics on the book inside the cover!

What I thought was the trigger wasn’t the trigger – there was NO trigger. I was supposed to feel meh blah to be able to stop, turn around and look at my path, everything that had happened in my life – look over it closely like the lyrics to the songs, rewind, pause, play. This was to bring me to that bike ride next to the river with my friend and she was supposed to say how are you and I was supposed to think this time -before I answered. She gave me an ‘in’ to tell her how I really felt and even said YEEEEESSSS!!! I feel like that too. Holy shit!!! Other people feel like this too? Oh my god, I am HUMAN. It has only taken me 36 years to figure this out!! That’s a long lesson man.

It should be more than this by now right? But what is ‘IT’? I am 36 years old and I said “I should be where I want to be in my life by now shouldn’t I? I mean, I am only catching up to where I was in my late 20’s. I had investment property, took time off and holidays, I had a business making a profit bla bla bla… ” When I thought about it, I was exhausted. I have been tired all week but not tired at the same time. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Was I getting sick? Maybe I have something I don’t know or want to know about! Maybe something BIG was bothering and occupying my mind but I just couldn’t find it. Even knowing I was going to be doing something I loved- It wasn’t motivating me – nothing was. Nothing was supposed to, that was the point!! I was supposed to feel ‘meh blah’. That was the motivation I needed to pause, rewind, so I could press play again.

I have learnt I am human, taking the good with the bad and the ‘meh blah’ in between. It’s called LIFE. and I am living it, right here, right now.